tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8882574271400724009.post2729885083215398804..comments2023-09-29T14:08:28.531+01:00Comments on Mad Aunt Bernards Tortoise Poetry: SOS! I've Committed Tortoisecide!!!!Mad Aunt Bernardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16916242560785536017noreply@blogger.comBlogger28125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8882574271400724009.post-81395024188378608882009-07-28T10:41:53.028+01:002009-07-28T10:41:53.028+01:00Mother, will you knit me a tortoise cosy? Will yo...Mother, will you knit me a tortoise cosy? Will you?Mad Aunt Bernardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16916242560785536017noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8882574271400724009.post-25473070514114319972009-07-27T18:14:44.542+01:002009-07-27T18:14:44.542+01:00Aha!
You fell into my trap
You must be the said ...Aha!<br /><br />You fell into my trap<br /><br />You must be the said enforcer from the cosie nostra, what have you done with me fine feller of a lad MAB?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8882574271400724009.post-18153320339539227462009-07-27T18:09:24.695+01:002009-07-27T18:09:24.695+01:00I am astounded at the high standard of discourse a...I am astounded at the high standard of discourse always to be found on this blog and expect to meet you all at the next Cheltenham Literary Festival. You will recognise me quite easily as I will be carrying a rolled up copy of 'Knitted Tortoise Cosies'.Heatherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06826501916623305535noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8882574271400724009.post-69207087606441315212009-07-27T18:03:04.299+01:002009-07-27T18:03:04.299+01:00I am fluent in it my dear
Thanks for putting my mi...I am fluent in it my dear<br />Thanks for putting my mind at rest, thought you was slain in a vendetta over the demise of the tortoise, henceforth known as Tartaruga Omicidio Lunedi<br /><br />Should you answer a knock at the door bell (do hedgerows have electricity?) and there before you is a man in a dark suit, dark broad brimmed hat and sunglasses carrying a violin case, he is either an enforcer or an MP on the fiddle (yes I know that that is highly improbable as they are such fine upstanding chappies and all that)<br /><br />If you can't run despite this fright, try Senokot or prunes, then bravely rub under your chin with the back of your curled index finger, twice and only twice else you indicate an offer of marriage and a promise of a dowry of five thousand Jaffa cakes, either past their sell by date or slightly nibbled and dribble upon, then (unless you have false teeth) hook your thumb under your top front teeth, then flick forward.<br /><br />They will then leave you alone, fearing that your sanity is questionable, with no chance of a profit.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8882574271400724009.post-20053166082152844952009-07-27T17:27:29.302+01:002009-07-27T17:27:29.302+01:00What joy in reading piffle....What joy in reading piffle....Mad Aunt Bernardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16916242560785536017noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8882574271400724009.post-78437404938497698522009-07-26T04:47:49.720+01:002009-07-26T04:47:49.720+01:00Opposed magnets lighten that carapace down the lan...Opposed magnets lighten that carapace down the lane....or floats, or antigravity....or the wishes of deluded human children can power our giggle of a journey a bit further along, my Sistah.<br />Aloha, A Sea Turtle<br /><br /><a href="http://comfortspiral.blogspot.com/" rel="nofollow">Comfort Spiral</a>Cloudiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05853753108637831069noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8882574271400724009.post-70253911292486381042009-07-23T20:24:02.911+01:002009-07-23T20:24:02.911+01:00You could speed pickle the body in Vinegar and Amp...You could speed pickle the body in Vinegar and Amphetamine sulphate. Cunningly replace it in the shell. There will be no smell, so when Bench gets back you can say the tortoise is fine but sleepy. Ask bench to put some food in for it, then when it's finally discovered that it is deceased you can blame Bench for poisoning it with Amphetamines which will be detected at the tortopsy!!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8882574271400724009.post-19432546803645104802009-07-23T16:23:55.340+01:002009-07-23T16:23:55.340+01:00MAB, I have a non-tortoise related award for you o...MAB, I have a non-tortoise related award for you over at mine, to recognise your great standing in the International (Tortoises Exempt) Blogging Community...<br /><br />As an ex-pat from the World of Bewilderbeest, I recognise a fellow sufferer, er, traveller!<br /><br />I hope you can come and get it, even if you don't 'do' awards - That is fine... xoxA Woman Of No Importancehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02194976046531063422noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8882574271400724009.post-89150165382420933322009-07-21T22:03:46.064+01:002009-07-21T22:03:46.064+01:00Ladies..... Ladies...... LADIES...... come on, cal...Ladies..... Ladies...... LADIES...... come on, calm down, we don't want this to escalate into a "cotton gussets at dawn" incident, do we????menopausalmusinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12255069917743230560noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8882574271400724009.post-63310540396132232512009-07-21T11:22:24.868+01:002009-07-21T11:22:24.868+01:00I don't want anything up my flute, thankyou......I don't want anything up my flute, thankyou....and yes the weekend down zummerzet went nice, and that. I learned enough of the language to be able to question someone's sanity - Bist thee outta thee bloody mind?Mad Aunt Bernardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16916242560785536017noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8882574271400724009.post-680923341760635762009-07-21T01:27:53.929+01:002009-07-21T01:27:53.929+01:00OI!! Are you there, you old bat!! Well get on and ...OI!! Are you there, you old bat!! Well get on and bloody write something will you - we're getting BORED!!!! It's no use you ponsificating around the countryside in yer vomit stained sequined rara skirt - get on thy computer and WRITE, damn you!! <br /><br />(Y'a'right ar kid?)<br /><br />I KNOW - but I'm thick and I can't think of anything to write on mine, so I thought I'd come over here and light a rocket up yer flute.The Lesser Weevilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8882574271400724009.post-30521782489225505542009-07-16T01:44:11.933+01:002009-07-16T01:44:11.933+01:00Don't worry about the library van, Duckie. Wh...Don't worry about the library van, Duckie. What's the worst the Cozzers can do - Book you?!<br /><br />Glad this silly porpoise nonsense got sorted out. Never could understand why you took the poor little bugger out of his bowl - served no porpoise!<br /><br />P.S. If you're not hiding in the hedge any more, can I have my Jaffa Cakes back. The Jehosephats Peepies are due in a minute. They're tougher than the other lot, and if I don't feed them, they bark at me through the letter box. I tried driving off, but they chase me and bite my tyres. I'm scared.The Lesser Weevilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8882574271400724009.post-36943745019391112402009-07-15T14:30:22.932+01:002009-07-15T14:30:22.932+01:00MAB
Whatever the charge, claim ministerial immunit...MAB<br />Whatever the charge, claim ministerial immunity and claim it against expensesAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8882574271400724009.post-64136563598752865382009-07-15T14:20:23.188+01:002009-07-15T14:20:23.188+01:00Well I never knew the old bird had it in her! In ...Well I never knew the old bird had it in her! In fact I'm not even sure that Girda is actually a woman....<br />Many thanks for your helpful suggestions, I in fact opted for Feck's idea of using a chassis and wheels from a toy car. It worked. Although I didn't have a toy car, so I used the parts from the Mobile Library that comes once a month. Bit big, I know, but Folly was totally convinced that 'Tortie' was running away. <br />Thank the lord's teeth - I is in da clear and got away with it, and don't know nuffink. <br />Now I only have to worry about the charge for criminal damage to the library van.....Mad Aunt Bernardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16916242560785536017noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8882574271400724009.post-77342110369852438922009-07-15T12:30:15.739+01:002009-07-15T12:30:15.739+01:00Here I am ‘neath my shell
Not feeling frightfully ...Here I am ‘neath my shell<br />Not feeling frightfully well<br />When all at once! I am force fed<br />With flageolet beans, goats rue, tree bark etc.<br />Till I am dead<br /><br />Above my corpse a speech balloon<br />Indicting the culprit, a Corneese (Cornish) loon<br />My murderer to detect, is really not that hard<br />Look no further than Mad Aunt Bernard<br /><br />Pst! Rozzers, She has pre cons<br /><br />PS <br />I once had an aunt Girda<br />Bloody fan tastic<br />Though in the event of any paternity claims, I deny all.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8882574271400724009.post-17914725842522537312009-07-14T21:44:23.214+01:002009-07-14T21:44:23.214+01:00I think Prof. Yaffle and his recipe should be feat...I think Prof. Yaffle and his recipe should be featured on Masterchef or maybe Saturday Kitchen. I'm fed up with chilli flakes and jus.Heatherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06826501916623305535noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8882574271400724009.post-29333293681301468262009-07-14T21:03:30.175+01:002009-07-14T21:03:30.175+01:00Recette
Petit pâté de tortue
Avec les twiglets et...Recette<br /><br />Petit pâté de tortue<br />Avec les twiglets et Jaffa Cakes<br />Dans la jus de Genévrier à la gin<br /><br /><br />Scoop the lightly charred flesh from a freshly but lightly killed tortoise<br />Set the shell aside<br />Take one cup of Twiglets and two Jaffa Cakes (ensuring that they have first fallen chocolate side down from a great height)<br />Bring together and blend with the back of a tablespoon<br />Introduce the tortoise meat and knead thoroughly until the consistency of muck has been achieved<br />Take the shell and carefully fill with two or eight generous measures of gin<br />Now throw the muck over the left shoulder carefully avoiding all unnecessary cleavages, or is it cleavi?<br />(ideally having entered the freestyle tortoise throwing event at the world acclaimed Toad Fondling Festival in Maiden-Up-The-Duff, Fife)<br />(you could even cheat and enter the toad throwing section too as only a trained pathologist would know that it was not toad meat)<br />Ignore the tossed salad<br />Savour greedily the gravy until all conscience is lost or preferably until all consciousness is lost.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8882574271400724009.post-60583610369433192572009-07-14T19:51:36.162+01:002009-07-14T19:51:36.162+01:00I'll get some Jaffa cakes over to you as soon ...I'll get some Jaffa cakes over to you as soon as poss. Perhaps they might revive the poor bugger? It must have been the Batman mask - I think he had a stroke.<br /><br />KatKat Mortensenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16877694888419628533noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8882574271400724009.post-48406829402688829882009-07-14T17:08:14.627+01:002009-07-14T17:08:14.627+01:00What can I offer in response to your cry for help ...What can I offer in response to your cry for help that hasn' already been covered by the admirable comments posted earlier? You certainly have a dilemma on your hands MAB but I am sure you will cope dear. You could always plead insanity if it does go to court!Heatherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06826501916623305535noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8882574271400724009.post-16466793555707716962009-07-14T16:01:29.302+01:002009-07-14T16:01:29.302+01:00Ah the restorative cake of Jaffa...may I suggest a...Ah the restorative cake of Jaffa...may I suggest a topical application to said/dead tortuss...(serving suggestion if you will)<br /><br />Donking my cowbell vigorously in appreciation of your magnificence xmimilove foreverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02193236065965161452noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8882574271400724009.post-65609894574211231102009-07-14T12:49:43.721+01:002009-07-14T12:49:43.721+01:00If you do not think that this ruse will work then ...If you do not think that this ruse will work then please return said proffered solution to the Friction section of your local library<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Nurse!<br />I've done it againAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8882574271400724009.post-38175645234060829252009-07-14T12:42:13.133+01:002009-07-14T12:42:13.133+01:00Of course when I say glue the striking strip from ...Of course when I say glue the striking strip from any matchbox to hand<br />I mean<br />That which is readily available and not YOUR hand<br />but to the exposed underside of said inverted tortoiseAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8882574271400724009.post-44901258559753518702009-07-14T12:38:33.443+01:002009-07-14T12:38:33.443+01:00Upon reflection I notice that I am staring at myse...Upon reflection I notice that I am staring at myself but no matter on with the comment<br />Scrape all the ends from every match at your disposal and place strategically on the garden path in a small heap.<br />Next catch your tortoise<br />If you are unable to do so, then problem solved because it isn't dead, it merely was stunned at your radiant beauty<br />If you were able to then invert said tortoise and glue the striking strip from any matchbox to hand<br />Next attach a leash to a suitable collar around the scruff of the tortoise<br />Place the rigor tortoise atop the aforementioned pile then hand the leash to Bench or Folly <br />Then startle said handlers say by pointing to the sky and shouting<br />"Look out one of the Jaffa Cake Display Team id falling from the sky toward your very bonce"<br />Naturally they will be unable to resist ducking for cover (Folly will know a safe place, for certain sure) or flinching at the very least. Their involuntary action will cause the leash to be be tugged and the resultant friction will ignite the match heads<br />What a result? Flash! Wesley goes up in smoke and it is clearly, once the smoke dissipates, their fault<br />Now, stand there with an indignant look upon your physog and reproach them.<br />Don't reproach too closely, lest the flames are still burning.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8882574271400724009.post-10359449652164393432009-07-14T07:23:56.910+01:002009-07-14T07:23:56.910+01:00Wesley must take responsibility for his/her own in...Wesley must take responsibility for his/her own inactions. If this matter ends up in court I'd be very happy to plead for you.<br /><br />I can see why the Jaffa cakes are needed. Your arms must be feeling the strain with all that hiding .... I'm trying to arrange a flyby of the Jaffa Cake Display Team - their aim is quite good so they they should land on your eyes balls sticky side down ....... keep strong!Daddy Papersurferhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06229588740716431666noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8882574271400724009.post-64794566905839871632009-07-14T01:23:10.444+01:002009-07-14T01:23:10.444+01:00I have a cunning plan ,auntie.Take the chassis and...I have a cunning plan ,auntie.Take the chassis and wheels from a toy remote controlled car and superglue it to the underside of the tortoise. Then when they come to collect him simply use the remote control hidden in your beard to drive wesley over a cliff or under the wheels of a passing lorry.The whole thing will look like a terrible accident and you will be in the clear.Totalfeckineejithttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05352708391465031655noreply@blogger.com