-It makes more sense than a couple of other things.

Mad Aunt Bernards Tortoise Poetry

"The page to come and visit for a fabulously sensible intake of poetry straight from the divinest of inspiration - and it's only a bit tortoisy. A cracking good read if you're under anaesthetic."
Lord Elpus - The Guardian

Sunday, May 3

Lazy Witches

Turn off 'Hells Kitchen' at once!
And get the toads off your lap.

Do some housework.

We're in such a state -
The cobwebs have got their own
rent book,
And the bats are now on the electoral roll.

Tidy up your cloaks from the floor,

And put the cauldron in the dishwasher.

You've left runes all over the bloody garden again,

And stop using your tarot cards for poker matches.
Sweep up with your broom, heaven knows you can't be bothered to fly it anywhere.

Bloody student witches, whether still in their teens or

the mature 75 yr old student, you're all a plague.
Whether Maiden or Crone, your habits vex me.

You both dye hair purple.

You both have the telly too loud.

Both of you are deaf 'at times'.

One of you thinks I'm untrendy.

The other thinks I'm 'newfangled'.

One thinks I nag,
The other thinks 'too soft'.

Empty house spell, here I come,
So, pick up your brooms and away.

I've brought in the hemlock and vodka and coal
and...oh, yes..C4 plastic explosive.
And you'll no longer annoy me at all.

Why people get scared of a witch at 50 going through the change, I will never know.


  1. No I don't know why they get scared, either. I'm sure I'm not that bad.

  2. It'll soon pass and then you can look forward to getting away with all sorts of weird ways as old age sets in!! I know - it's great!!

  3. Well, when I started the change, I was arrested six days out of seven in any one week. Normally for streaking and/or biting people. But I treated it with leeches, and now I just get arrested for fun.

  4. Hey penibear- have you been arrested yet?? LOL

  5. We should start an uprising - you can bring the vodka and the explosives, and I will supply stick on warts and beards (just let me know the size, type of hair and colour...)

  6. When and where, and can I come please?

  7. Wow, wow, wow!!! I just saw your name over at Totalfeckineejit's (isn't he great?) and thought I'd pop over. I can see you're about to become one of my favourite haunts.
    Check me out (Invisible Keepsakes first, Blasts second) and see what you think.
    Oh, and I believe you'll like this:


    See you soon!


  8. All welcome, will meet in my hedge in Trebollocks. Bring a bottle and weapon (if you are bringing a mace, it is best not to drink Stella Artois, as arrests can happen too early in the evening). Balaclavas welcome.

  9. Thanks for favouriting me. I can tell I have some laughs to look forward to

  10. You never know where the interwebs will take you - but I'm glad they brought me here (from Robert Frost's Banjo via Dominic Rivron)Who could resist a link to something called Mad Aunt Bernards Tortoise Poetry? And I found Eric the Half a Bee here! (I love him carnally - semi-carnally.)