-It makes more sense than a couple of other things.

Mad Aunt Bernards Tortoise Poetry

"The page to come and visit for a fabulously sensible intake of poetry straight from the divinest of inspiration - and it's only a bit tortoisy. A cracking good read if you're under anaesthetic."
Lord Elpus - The Guardian

Tuesday, July 28

St Vitus Has A New Arrival.....God Help Us!

This is what happens when two people are attracted to each other across a crowded room.......
Last week, my yoghurt pot phone was ringing it's string off, only to convey the cheery news (!) that there is a new addition to the St Vitus clan. That means I've got to go into John Lewis again and nick another christening robe. After the problems I've had with the filth, I reckon they've got a bloody cheek asking.

Aunt Blenny and Uncle Truss (pictured), met two years ago at a Wasp Hiding Course in Hemel Hempstead. Apparently their eyes met and, after his spastic colon pains subsided and Blen stopped singing, they got on like a house on fire. They married in a coal-hole three weeks later, and I was allowed to be bridesmaid with my bestest brown sack poncho thingy and pretty wooden shoes. I even had some goosegrass fashioned into a lovely Sticky Bob ball to hold, and a plantain in my hair. It was rather sickly affair, they are both a bit wet to be blatantly truthful. And there is nothing manly about Truss.

They had a bloody baby. A boy. They've already got one boy, Dimity - a child with too much snot in my opinion. And now we have Ruprecht Widdy St. Vitus. Aunt Vom nearly choked when she heard the name, then cacked herself laughing. Aunt Mary-Jaffa thinks it's sweet. And Aunt Turgid is still preoccupied with her lizards. Aunt Weevil reckons the baby will turn out to be a deviant....? I must ask her on her reasons behind that thinking. Aunt Gourd thinks it's unnatural, as there was no bread van to deliver the baby - she's written the whole thing off as the work of the devil and won't be attending the christening.

Great Uncle Colobus will be pleased as he often said marital couplings should involve BOTH parties.. He thought Truss wouldn't produce a child as he always did it on his own, so that Blen wouldn't have to down tools (pardon the pun) and stop cleaning.

The rellies are coming over from Crackton-on-Butt in the next hour, I've got 62 baps to butter and a vat of Old Earwigs Reserve. It will have to do. Aunt Bench is feeling broody apparently and spent a lot of time at the docks in hope of jiggy-jiggy. My palms are slick with dread at the thought. Just as I asked if she could cope with another one, Folly managed to blow her feet off in the garden after playing with some cotton reels and some old semtex. I rest my case. The only time Bench 'rode the hobby horse' with anyone, she became infatuated, wrote him six love letters each day, and followed him everywhere until the old bill told her not to. And that was thirty-two years ago.

But I couldn't let you go without seeing Ruprecht. The little darling. We will be welcoming him to the town, by marching in a line behind a one-man-band. Then when we get to the barn, the backstreet bishop will perform the service. He's not a real bishop, but he's good at fishing, and Uncle Colobus slipped him a bit of bunce for his troubles. Ruprecht takes after his mother, with a fine moustache already in place.
Born at three years old, he can already tie his shoes (which he came out wearing), and is a marvel with quadratic equations. I might ask him about the woodchuck question.


  1. What a perfectly sickly looking individual. The snot family trait is already clearly evident - there's no way the starched texture of that 'tach is natural! I've a mind to wonder if it isn't playdoh and the little bugger's taking a poke at us!

  2. You poor dear - your relatives are truly dreadful, and I thought mine were bad enough! But then it's only to be expected, when all is said and done you are pretty dreadful yourself.

  3. Well, I have had my magnifying glass out looking at the photo of Uncle Truss and I'd say he's quite manly!!!!(Unless, of course, I am mistaken and Uncle Truss is the one on the left).....

  4. What a fine set
    No no MM
    I was talking about the handlebar moustache
    Room enough for a horn, perhaps a bell!

  5. He took his horn off, it was rather small and children kept sniggering at it as he went by.

  6. I do hope Aunt Bench got some 'jiggy-jiggy' down the docks! He looks like a dear child and how handy that he arrived equiped with shoes i do like a child who is self-sufficient.

  7. Ah! The wonder of your clan!

    Thank you for these turtle tracks accross the wet sand of my summer mind(lessness)

    Aloha from Hawaii turtle country

    Comfort Spiral

  8. I've always thought that children should be born when they're 30 ..... or more ..... ideally a long way away .....

  9. I like that! I might have some then...

  10. My son is called Ruprecht. Do you think we could be related??

  11. Ah! There you are
    Golden globes
    Two Veg

    Yes! , yes! I know I am talking bollocks

  12. Alcohinky
    Were you talking to me?
    Talk to me
    Was your son responsible for the treaty to end of the war of the Spanish succession?
    If he was then could he not tell the twats in Afghanistan to stop effing about and send our boys home without leaks

  13. Daddy Papersurfer

    You are right
    Children should be borne
    But not retained, I think
    Nor encouraged
    Lest they are tax deductible and above all silent, the way I like my women
    See! It works, no chance with that attitude,therefore distance doesn't enter into the equation

  14. Within the brackets above is my comment, as I am going to be silent in favour of Prof Yaffle's preferences. Although his comment stated it's how he likes women to be, and I'm not sure I fall into that category.

  15. That's a bracket, by the way, not some hoodoo voodoo eye or something.


  16. () " ()
    / ~ ~
    / /
    / / >
    / /
    / /
    / /
    / / Just sticking my neck out to say
    Congratulations on the new arrival!

  17. Well - that looked like a perfect sloping giraffe neck when I typed it in, but it's all lined up now it's published! I'll stick to my Neckon camera in future ...

  18. What a shame that your giraffe was spoiled Raph - these computers just don't appreciate keyboard art and will insist on having their own way.

  19. Actually ... I'd quite like one of those ... do they sell them in the pet shops?

    I'm glad my youngest son wasn't born with his shoes on - or at 30. He's only 19 and he has size 14 feet - God knows how big they're going to be by 30, he'd have dragged out half my intestines and my larynx in the tread of his Berghaus besties. Tractor-pulling don't come into it!!

  20. Dust off your tiara and put on your best sack attire..... I have given you an award over at my place. Feel free to accept or not, as is your will. Your blog is just such a delight.

  21. Dear Auntie, if you get any madder you'll start making sense.love the description of your bridsemaid outfit.And thank you for wishing me well when I was at me worst all the bloggy support (not trusses) worked wonders.Best wishes, nephew EEjit. :)

  22. Way off the crazy om meter. A bloody Icon of wit.

  23. My 3 most favourite words...Ruprecht. Bunce. Baps.
    Nuff said