-It makes more sense than a couple of other things.

Mad Aunt Bernards Tortoise Poetry

"The page to come and visit for a fabulously sensible intake of poetry straight from the divinest of inspiration - and it's only a bit tortoisy. A cracking good read if you're under anaesthetic."
Lord Elpus - The Guardian

Wednesday, January 13


I will not apologise for the any Monty Python references in this post, so if you don't spot them you really ought to buy the complete series DVD. Not just for my post, but because you need a proper education. I'm 'Pythoning' for therapy today after finding another four spam comments on my posts, one is a little rankled. Unfortunately, I have chosen to save comments for my own approval which I didn't want to do as I'm old and grickly and can't remember to check them. I know what you're thinking - Luxury! I was spammed 50 times before school as a youngun, beaten senseless and thrown to crocodiles, all before doing my homework.
Well, I have booby trapped my blog, with things to scare the pancreas out of your average spammer. It's booby trapped with sharp sticks with frog poison on, a motion sensor with a suspicious nature, and a song where Kerry Katona duets with Daniel O'Donnell.....pretty bad, I reckon. I don't think they'll be back.
So to the vacuous time wasters and internet fungi who spam people in emails, blogs and social networks - however off key my blog and I are, we will never be as off key as the likes of you.....may your shabby businesses and scams be plagued with disaster. May small cats pee on your keyboards and may small children unplug your modems while you're trying to find out what's wrong with your keyboards. Go back to your offline hobby of 'nutter on the bus', or 'staring bloke in pub' or even the 'mad git in the town that shouts at the pigeons'. Begone!
Yes! Once and for all - shallow gene pool swimmers - this Python quote is for you.....


You know who I blame? Bloody Vikings!......


  1. I've had small cat's pee in my keyboard and take it from me, it's nasty! That should do the trick, if nothing else. Good for you, Mab! Fry 'em up and flick 'em in the bin, I say!

    Kat (Defender of the Anti-spam League)

  2. Dear Aunty, I couldn't agree more, perhaps the best way to divert these oiks would be to revive the Spam Sculpture Contest last held in Chicago in Feb 2005!!

  3. Thing bout spammers is they never come back to check on the state of their stinking little pile of merde. They sow their annoyance and are gone. I would set the Frumious Bandersnatch on them but she refuses to go out in the snow.
    Damned wretches!

  4. Now you've gone and made me want a spam fritter ..... damn you Auntie ......

  5. I know how you must be feeling Auntie, but just remember how tasty Spam fritters can be. I used to make lovely ones years ago when I was young enough to eat fried food and not get indigestion! If you have any more trouble I'll let you have the recipe and you can get rid of the Spam for good.

  6. Hear, hear, Mad Aunt Bernard--skewer those spammers with frog sticks & loose the small cats!

  7. I told a blogger friend to disengage her Spam Protecting Devices..... she recievd 200+ spam in one day.... we're no longer friends.


  8. Thankyou all for your kind words and gubbins, I'm deeply touched....rant over, so I'm now going to compose a sensible post...;-)


    you have won a MASSIVE yacht...
    to colllect your MASSIVE yacht please send us your bank details and a sample of your signature by six p.m Friday the twentyeleventh of octember 20098...

    while all the MASSIVE yachts are still available

  10. Ok Watercats! I've got my deck shoes on and my best 'view halloo' telescope and an eye patch. Where's my massive yacht?
    Where is it?
    I'm waiting....

    Spam that's useless to me is one thing, but never tease a bearded old bat with a massive yacht.....ever.

  11. That's not Spam Auntie, that's a dead parrot.

  12. We used used to have spam for school dinners served cold with 2 icecream scoops of mashed potato with little dark lumps in it. I've never liked spam since.

  13. The penguin on top of the television thinks you're barmy, but I think he's been listening to too much Classic FM.
    Sorry about that.

  14. We had a 'bus-nutter' who used to read a book on boxing and practise his jabs. Sue and I used to do Kung-Fu, until we got kicked off cos the bus driver thought we were smoking weed. I bet he was in cahoots with the book-boxer and didn't like getting upstaged.

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