-It makes more sense than a couple of other things.

Mad Aunt Bernards Tortoise Poetry

"The page to come and visit for a fabulously sensible intake of poetry straight from the divinest of inspiration - and it's only a bit tortoisy. A cracking good read if you're under anaesthetic."
Lord Elpus - The Guardian

Thursday, January 28

Mad Weebles And How To Spot Them

This is a Mad Weeble.....he looks harmless enough, doesn't he?
.
Well be warned my friends, he isn't. Many of us find ourselves in the presence of at least one during the course of our lives, some of you may even live with one. Some of these characters appear charming on first contact, and seem relatively docile characters. Eruption can occur at the slightest trigger, and it's best to be prepared. Here are a few ways of recognising the Mad Weeble in your life, and the dangers to your sanity that they pose.
.
According to government researcher Prof. Hengist Gribble, most Mad Weebles find that the onset of their symptoms occur after retirement, and these symptoms are aggravated by things like common sense, reason, rational argument, and the desire to have fun.
.
The symptoms of a typical Mad Weeble are delusion, over-inflated self image, a massive ego, ideas of grandeur, fibbing, general unpleasantness, repetive verbal diatribes, witty anecdotes that aren't funny. Common sense responses to this behaviour do not work, it is pointless ignoring a Mad Weeble, as is arguing with one. Appearance is often importance in Mad Weeble recognition, many are vast in size, have little beards and bad breath.
.
Some famous Mad Weebles include, Stalin, Leo Sayer, and on occasion, Christopher Biggins. It is best not to put up a poster of a Mad Weeble, as this only serves to continue the feeding of the ego. Never phone one up for a quick chat - it is like listening to white noise and the receptors of your brain will never be the same again. Mad Weebles cause headaches and swearing fits in ordinary humans - lawsuits are particularly difficult as a weapon, and very costly unless your solicitor fund has come from your swearbox.
.
The toppling of a Mad Weeble is difficult - but it can be done. Although weebles generally wobble but don't fall down, they can be put on their arse like any other deranged nutter....if you know how.
.
The Seven Steps To Wobble A Mad Weeble
First - find and recognise your Mad Weeble, and determine their worst symptoms.
Secondly - warn others around you of these facts while not alerting the Weeble itself.
Thirdly - let the Weeble think you are stupid - this lulls it into a false sense of security.
Fourthly - once it shoots itself in the foot - admit you've known it's plan all along.
Five - watch the Weeble's face go white, and watch it wobble.
Six - laugh: this drives them nuts and sends them into a meltdown.
Seven - stand back, light your pipe, and admire your handiwork.
.
Although the Weeble doesn't physically fall down, it will not know it's arse from it's elbow for many a moon, which is the next best thing. It will now avoid you like the plague, and never cause you headaches and swearing fits again.
.
If you need further information: contact Mrs Giddy Kipper at the Manchester Frog Sanctuary who will be only too happy to help. With frogs, that is, unfortunately she knows nothing about Weebles.

17 comments:

  1. Thank you so much for this warning and your words of wisdom. However, I must take exception to the fact that you include Leo Sayer in your list of Mad Weebles - in my youth I used to like him.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks for the weeble alert! LOL :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I have a small collection of these things from the days when my children were small, and they've been defying me to throw them out for years (the weebles and the children, that is). Now I know they're definitely evil and deranged, I'm enormously relieved. I was beginning to think it was me. Would write more, but they've done the straps up too tightly again. Sorry, what were we talking about????

    ReplyDelete
  4. By the way, I don't know why my hotmail address has been inserted in place of my name. It's Will.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I take great exception to you mentioning Stalin and Leo Sayer in the same breath. Whatever excesses Joe might have had, at least he never inflicted "I won't let the show go on" on the world.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Heather, please refer to Peter Gouldings comment, you may find it useful....
    Jinksy, a-thankyou and you're welcome.
    Will! Hello! If the straps are done up too tightly, rub yourself with lard before they put it on. It's much easier to wriggle your way out.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thanks for this public service!


    Aloha, Tortoise Sister Friend!


    Comfort Spiral

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm concerned that they might come in pairs as the photo is either Tweedle Dee .... or Tweedle Dum ..... *worried expression*

    ReplyDelete
  9. Important info here! Eberle & I sometimes sing "Weebles wobble but they don't fall down" to a sort of "Blue Moon" chord progression

    ReplyDelete
  10. As a one time weeble fiddler (I was very young at the time) I am aware of their attrributes. I must say I have never come across one with quite such chronic symptoms as you describe, but I shall feel better if I should, now that I'm aware of how to foil a weeble... weeble foibles were never going to be straight forward... I blame the hippy movement!

    ReplyDelete
  11. When I need you, I hold out my hand and I touch you.....metaphorically speaking obviously Auntie! and when I ever I do hold out my hand to touch you, often times you slip a tortoise under your cuff and startle me.
    Why are you laughing at me? you are always laughing at me, oh no, I have to go and have a lie down I think I am going to have a turn.....

    Cousin Down the Lane x

    ReplyDelete
  12. Well there you go...I've opened another can of worms for you all. An innocent looking weeble has foiled you all, and my mother still thinks Leo Sayer is marvellous.
    I'm glad I posted in time.
    An update, the Mad Weeble in question is in the process of being toppled, he's wobbling nicely and showing all the right signs of a hissy fit. Dolly's out of the pram, bottom lip out, all the indicators are there. So now, dear friends, I'm going to stand back, light my pipe and yes...admire my handiwork.
    Jolly Dee.

    ReplyDelete
  13. . weeble foibles were never going to be straight forward... I blame the hippy movement!

    Work from home India

    ReplyDelete
  14. O M G ! ! I AM A MAD WEEBLE!!! I recognise all of the symptoms and I have them all. And I just thought it was an excess of Cadbury's and the menopause! Seriously... you are a VERY naughty Auntie. I am certain that I recognise the character upon whom your 'WEEBLE' is based and the next time I see you ... I 'mack!!

    PS: Good Grief!! The wv even stands in evidence of this: GIRACCE! Go on - shout it and you'll KNOW who I mean!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Just to put this whole thing into perspective, I once came face to face with a Womble, six feet tall and obsessed with empty jars of calves'-foot jelly. I've wanted to tell somebody about this for years, but the Weebles wouldn't let me.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I needed this inside information.

    Thank you!

    Sharon Lovejoy Writes from Sunflower House and a Little Green Island

    ReplyDelete