-It makes more sense than a couple of other things.

Mad Aunt Bernards Tortoise Poetry

"The page to come and visit for a fabulously sensible intake of poetry straight from the divinest of inspiration - and it's only a bit tortoisy. A cracking good read if you're under anaesthetic."
Lord Elpus - The Guardian

Thursday, August 13

Christening 'N' That.

Well, the day went off without any arrests, and dear
Ruprecht Widdy St. Vitus was named. And no-one got hurt. Aunt Vom and I were a little crestfallen, to tell you the truth, it was a rather stuffy affair with ridiculous bonnets and snakes-bum-in-a-sandstorm smiles. So, to water down my ascerbic tone, I'll describe the christening in verse. And hopefully it will come out nice.

Well, don't we look a happy bunch,
All dressed in black and grey.
All clipped and preened and washed and plucked
For a happy, jolly day.
Aunt Bench conditioned her little beard,
And I 'Ped-Egg-ed' my chin.
Folly brought a dead hedgehog,
Aunt Bench put it in the bin.
Aunt Mary Jaffa fainted once,
Aunt Turgid read books to some dogs.
Cousin Girda threw an absolute fit,
When she shared my bath with some frogs.
Aunt Claymore thought the whole thing crap,
Aunt Gourd did not come at all.
'It's the work of the Devil' she cried down the phone,
And ran and hid in the hall.
Aunt Weevil made the christening robe,
From Balsa and Scot's Pine.
Uncle Colobus disapproved of anything wood,
Then the priest got us all in a line.
We walked to the barn with the phoney priest,
A one-man-band led the way -
Playing 'Who Do You Think You Are Kidding, Mr Hitler'
And an excerpt of 'Whip-Crack-Away'.
When the childs name was first read out,
A snigger came from Aunt Vom.
Then Aunt Blenny spun round and glared at her,
So she quickly sat up with aplomb.
Then, amazed I was at the Godmother -
As Folly's name was called out by the priest.
What possessed the lunatic pair?
To trust a thirdwit with their snotty beast?
Uncle Truss was snivelling proudly,
And wiped his nose on his wife.
And worst of all, on their family side -
Scrofula is awfully rife.
Mrs Stiff Black Hat with her earrings,
Called for a church bash, with one finger jabbing.
A knife then appeared from under Vom's skirts,
But I stopped her, I couldn't do with a stabbing.
At the end of the day, the photo's were done,
But we were not asked to join in.
So the black suits and pursed lips sat together
Looking like they'd collectively sat on a pin.
Back to my hedge for some drinkies,
And their noses turned up at the door.
They weren't comfy in my little hovel,
With the webs and the leaves on the floor.
Stiff Black Hat doesn't like cuckoo spit,
And the hessian crackers weren't nice.
But the Old Earwig's Reserve went down lovely,
And stopped them all moaning about mice.
After six long long hours they left,
Young Ruprecht happily screaming away,
His beloved moustache was shaved off,
He'd pined for it most of the day.
Thank Heavens they're going at last,
I couldn't be polite if they'd lingered.
As their car drove off into the distance -
All us girls held up one middle finger.
Well, that was nice, wasn't it...?
(For those unfamiliar with the product, a 'Ped-Egg' is the cheese gratery thing you use for extra hard skin on your feet. No affiliation.)


  1. Dear Auntie,Thanks mucho for your well wishes, they were most welcome and boostificatious.This poem of yours is a wonderfully intricate and veritably epic versification of a memorable day, shame there were no arrests it's not a 'proper do' without them, but still, ye canno have everything, unless, of course, you have everything. Ruprecht and Scrofula are woefully underusednames in society methinks.

  2. My Gad Sirrah!

    Is there no beginning to your families' talent

    Synchronised budgie training is it? The gals must have looked a sight
    What do you bait the middle finger with, or are they of the masochistic sport, just fond of a damn good flicking.

  3. Hello Feck! Lovely to have you back - has the snibble gone? I do hope so. I don't havr children, but I always wished Weev had called one of hers Ruprecht or Twigring?
    Yaff - I would respond to the finger baiting, but it sounds awfully rude. No doubt my Mum will be on soon and tell me it's only rude to a dirty mind...

  4. Two treats in one day - I read TFE's latest post just before yours and laughed out loud at both. What a lovely cosy feel your family occasions leave one with!!

  5. I am duty bound to ask, but was the child at all uncomfortable after the christening? You see I have been breeding an experimental breed of woodworm and appear to have mislaid one. I had been keeping them in the concealed pipe pocket of the baby's christening robe - it doesn't do to have a baby spark up in front of the 'cloth' - and the vicar never buys his own tobacco. I had obviously cleared the worms out before the christening (well, the chemical preservative was upsetting their little tummies), but I couldn't find Vladimir afterwards. Please keep an eye out for him - as long as it isn't your best wooden one!

  6. I've never used a cheese grater on my feet! I suppose we giraffes may have different feet to humans.

  7. A nod to the wise I'm sure but I have discovered that a scrufulous beard is an excellent aid to the foot beautiful .........

  8. How can one NOT like cuckoo spit?

  9. i think your all mad and could you please tell me what you are all smoking - where can i find it?? if my mother can read this my name is harry honest!

  10. Well there Mr Honest or may I address you as Harry?
    We are all smoking Nicotine patches but they are very difficult to keep alight.

  11. I daresay, Mr. Coleridge would be proud of your efforts on this one Mab, but for the fact that there is no albatross. Sounds like a smashing good time, as only your lot can pull off.


  12. TRACTOR TOM!! WHAT are you doing out of bed at this time of night? You are positively GROUNDED!!! And anyway, smoking stunts yer growth - SHORT-ASS!!!

  13. Hello! DPS, I think a beard pedicure is just the thing! I'll tell Bench.
    Clare, well what else can you say? Some have elegant tastes, some prefer cack.
    Tractor Tom! Welcome, I am not smoking anything, and unfortunately take all my inspiration from real life events and people. Just come and meet my family sometime....;-)
    Yaff....Boo! There, that made you jump, but enough to say 'Nurse!'?.
    Poe, no albatross, sadly. But I have some wolf-nipple chips in the cupboard.
    Weev, dear, calm your self and curb your offspring. The rozzers are on their way. Again.

  14. I gotta tell you - I love love LOVE the ped-egg! Although I must admit I have never used it on my chin - I'm just saying..that's not in the instruction manual.

  15. Well that's put me bang off me sammidges!

  16. Sounds like my sort of do. Make sure you invite the rest of us next time.

  17. How delicious to find that you haven't lost your literary touch (although I can't say the same for your mind). Bless your curly old boots.