Christening 'N' That.

Well, the day went off without any arrests, and dear Ruprecht Widdy St. Vitus was named. And no-one got hurt. Aunt Vom and I were a little crestfallen, to tell you the truth, it was a rather stuffy affair with ridiculous bonnets and snakes-bum-in-a-sandstorm smiles. So, to water down my ascerbic tone, I'll describe the christening in verse. And hopefully it will come out nice.

Well, don't we look a happy bunch,
All dressed in black and grey.
All clipped and preened and washed and plucked
For a happy, jolly day.
.
Aunt Bench conditioned her little beard,
And I 'Ped-Egg-ed' my chin.
Folly brought a dead hedgehog,
Aunt Bench put it in the bin.
.
Aunt Mary Jaffa fainted once,
Aunt Turgid read books to some dogs.
Cousin Girda threw an absolute fit,
When she shared my bath with some frogs.
.
Aunt Claymore thought the whole thing crap,
Aunt Gourd did not come at all.
'It's the work of the Devil' she cried down the phone,
And ran and hid in the hall.
.
Aunt Weevil made the christening robe,
From Balsa and Scot's Pine.
Uncle Colobus disapproved of anything wood,
Then the priest got us all in a line.
.
We walked to the barn with the phoney priest,
A one-man-band led the way -
Playing 'Who Do You Think You Are Kidding, Mr Hitler'
And an excerpt of 'Whip-Crack-Away'.
.
When the childs name was first read out,
A snigger came from Aunt Vom.
Then Aunt Blenny spun round and glared at her,
So she quickly sat up with aplomb.
.
Then, amazed I was at the Godmother -
As Folly's name was called out by the priest.
What possessed the lunatic pair?
To trust a thirdwit with their snotty beast?
.
Uncle Truss was snivelling proudly,
And wiped his nose on his wife.
And worst of all, on their family side -
Scrofula is awfully rife.
.
Mrs Stiff Black Hat with her earrings,
Called for a church bash, with one finger jabbing.
A knife then appeared from under Vom's skirts,
But I stopped her, I couldn't do with a stabbing.
.
At the end of the day, the photo's were done,
But we were not asked to join in.
So the black suits and pursed lips sat together
Looking like they'd collectively sat on a pin.
.
Back to my hedge for some drinkies,
And their noses turned up at the door.
They weren't comfy in my little hovel,
With the webs and the leaves on the floor.
.
Stiff Black Hat doesn't like cuckoo spit,
And the hessian crackers weren't nice.
But the Old Earwig's Reserve went down lovely,
And stopped them all moaning about mice.
.
After six long long hours they left,
Young Ruprecht happily screaming away,
His beloved moustache was shaved off,
He'd pined for it most of the day.
.
Thank Heavens they're going at last,
I couldn't be polite if they'd lingered.
As their car drove off into the distance -
All us girls held up one middle finger.
.
Well, that was nice, wasn't it...?
(For those unfamiliar with the product, a 'Ped-Egg' is the cheese gratery thing you use for extra hard skin on your feet. No affiliation.)