-It makes more sense than a couple of other things.

Mad Aunt Bernards Tortoise Poetry

"The page to come and visit for a fabulously sensible intake of poetry straight from the divinest of inspiration - and it's only a bit tortoisy. A cracking good read if you're under anaesthetic."
Lord Elpus - The Guardian

Tuesday, September 8

The Women's Rights Movement In Trebollocks

I had a letter this morning from Professor Crispin In The Meadow St. Bollow, informing me that my Shrieking Classes are no longer required at Trebollocks County College. I am fuming. I'm tryping (yes, tryping) away furiously on my laptop, out in the open air. I thought I'd hop onto Blogger to vent some steam. This is an evil ploy to remove the female teachers from the faculty. Men have played a huge role in setting up the college, and I think they are now threatened by their female colleagues growing popularity and stature. They are getting rid of me under the excuse that Level 2 Shrieking is not acceptable to be chosen on the same line as Advanced Chemistry or Grade 6 Leaping. There are too many social skill classes now, and others that shall be dropped include Papier Mache for the Nervous, Hiding Grade 3 & 4, and Working With Semtex: From A Creative Standpoint. I sat there, and politely thought....f**kers. All these classes are run by the women above, Ivy Fowlpest (far left) has been onto this ploy for 18 months, and has alerted the sisterhood and formed a plan, as you can probably tell from her sinister glare.

I did some detective work, and put on shoes made from underpants to muffle my footsteps. Then in the dead of night, I broke in through a window by throwing a brick through it. Any stealth factor attributed to my special shoes was at once rendered utterly pointless by the sound of shattering glass. Bugger, I cried. After a long chase with the filth and their sodding blue lights flashing, I hid and examined a bunch of papers I'd grabbed just as the alarms were going off.

Well, the document I found is very interesting. And if I dare resurface and risk arrest, I shall submit it to the Board of Long Discussions and Frowning next Tuesday. It reads as follows....

Women have long been a part of building Trebollocks County College, and in the early days when they knew their place, this was a positive and welcome part of our team. The offices had fresh flowers, home made cake to eat, and I had a new tank top every christmas. However, recent developments within the voting system have allowed such women to have a voice in how our county is run. Women are now allowed to drive a motor car, own up to two goldfish, and they have been campaigning behind our backs to be allowed indoors at lunchtime when it is raining. The woman in the photograph to the left, has been happy to squat and kneel for the last seven years of her employment. But other women, like the one standing in the background, has filled her head with hormonal nonsense. She has been encouraged to learn to read and write, and not simply just fish cards out of a draw haphazardly and offer it to an important man at a desk. Women have formed a secret committee within the area, where they try hard to have their own ideas, develop them whilst drinking tea, and write them down on some sort of doily, probably. Due to the horribly liberal attitude of local councillors, no less than three women are now teaching in the college. This must be stopped. Have they no dignity? Have they no self-control? Have they no housework to do?

In Ireland, there was an even more worrying case. In The People's Lost Republic Of Eejit, this photo was taken. It seems the gentleman in charge of the local library left the door unlocked one evening and two women got in and got hold of a book. This picture shows the two females and their curious and bewildered expressions as they grab the book and try to understand it. Security showed them taking forty two minutes before they turned the book up the right way. The shocking thing to note, is that the woman on the right clearly thinks the situation is amusing. They were jailed for three years each, after they were found in the homes of other women, telling them what they had seen in the book. Had the book been about babies or cookery, the sentence would have been less. But the book was about money, and investments. One of the women later went to a the bank for advice (I ask you!) on an account for her family savings, thus shaming herself and her husband in the process. Her husband has cut all ties with her, branding her hysterical and unbalanced. The library is now locked at all times, except for the entry of gentlemen with special members keys. A gun sentry has been set up in the event of more women trying to get into the library.

I therefore am taking an axe to these female teachers, and their fluffy-headed classes. I am sure, Sirs, that you are in agreement and that I can count upon your support. I have an article from Dr. Unctious Moog, stating that women are a danger to themselves and others when in the possession of information. He is submitting the brain scan results of a woman studying for a degree, which clearly shows extensive damage to the brain cells, and shows an overload of information stored in the Piffle Gland. This overload causes hysteria, solitary decision making, hormonal outbursts, answering back, and other alarming symptoms.


So, I'm torn between blowing the whistle, and getting arrested. I figured I'd hide somewhere they'd never find me, and decided to kip the night on the roof of the local nick. The trouble is, it's started to rain and I need a wee.
If any of you are nearby, could you pop down and pick up the paper for me, then I can run back to my hedge and claim the whole thing is a mistake. At least as a woman, if I am indoors doing some cleaning, it might go in my favour....? In fact, I think I've left the iron on....


  1. Oh! Dearest MAB, you are a caution, you really are.
    Who pray has filled your pretty little head with such stuff and nonsense as this?
    You haven't been snorting Jaffa cakes from a desert spoon I hope.
    Women will never grow in popularity just stature.
    The Governors are not getting rid because they feel threatened, its just that they are confused as they cannot compete with their Harris tweed versus your more manly hessian fabric based habit.
    Now, as for the disclosures made in the document you claim to be exposing, I fear I must look for the signatory and expect it to be HG Wells.
    I can assure you that just as the earth is flat and that man will never set foot on the moon. Further that Roswell exists and that there never will be a black president of the USA, women will never defy their masters.
    Clearly these dutiful chattles are posing for the cameras at their husbands' behests, sharing in jolly good wheezes, which they may not understand, but at least it gives them time out from ironing.
    You really are naughty trying to imply such notions.
    Now if someone was to take an axe to these women then it would be nothing more than depression and not jealousy, for men are noble and do not succumb to these feminine emotions.
    Now come on dear, the document doesn't really exist, does it poppet?
    Hiding on constabulary premises in possession of a full bladder is an offence against common decency and I imagine that upon being found out, you are now using this lame excuse in mitigation or as a diversionary tactic. I suspect the former. No doubt upon checking your antecedents on their computers they have discovered that you are in default with your hedge taxes yet again.

  2. May I please have the latin name of the hedge in which you live? I wish to purchase one and plant it in my garden. I don't actually have a garden, but by the time I have inhaled the leaves for a while (hopefully, to the same happy conclusion as your own evident rumination) I shall possess a five bedroomed mansion with five acres of land.

    WV: Mentil - how appropriate is that?!

  3. Most female outbursts are classed as hormonal dear MAB. I have suffered from one or two of the symptoms you mention, plus chewing the carpet and climbing the curtains, but just put it down to being married to the same man for nearly 55 years! I'm on my way to pick up that paper.
    I love the Professor's comment.

  4. OUCH! Sorry, I just fell out of the ugly tree.This is a difficult case ,Auntie, on the one hand women clearly have rights, but on the other they are often a danger to themselves and others if allowed out of the house.Ideally suited to cooking and cleaning ( generally they are shorter hence nearer the floor for mopping and have small feet enabling them to get closer to the kitchen sink)and having babies (and trial runs)they should remain in the home at all times except in Emergencies like going to hospital or to adjust the rooftop television ariel on match days.I remember the Library incident(thank you for mentioning it) and the two ladies pictured have had their shoes confiscated to prevent any further shenanigans.As for you Auntie ,stay on the roof, I remember when I was involved inthe Strangeways riots in Manchester and us lads had a jolly old time out on the prison roof.Mind you that was back in the days when the sun shone.

  5. Lavatories are always a concern ... as are lava tories of course but I don't want to get into that explosive subject at the moment. It's the wall space you see, for tampon dispensers - you're OK Aunty, perfectly happy with some gorse and a dock leaf but younger gals are a lot more picky. I'd try and solve the situation obliquely by suggesting on some more walls being built ..... Crisp might well change his tune ........

  6. Kripes!... How awful!.. as a fellow lady woman I'm shocked, nay.. flabberghasted by your behaviour.. If you choose to whistle blow the top rate chaps I don't know if I could contain my ghast! I think it's jolly spiffing for us lady girls to perhaps indulge in the odd ramble in the lakes, but go to the library!?.. I should rather cut off my curled forelock and trade in my nylons for dungarees!
    I urge you to see sense old Berny! Us girl ladies have got to be together in our gender army.. we were made by God himself in the image of Mary.. (or was it Eve?).. anyway, look what she did! *snort!...
    Please don't do it!.. see jolly well sense! Gosh!.. how frightful!.. I ought to inform our brave chaps in blue!

  7. Well, thankyou for you stern dressing down, Yaff. It seems I've clearly got ideas above my station and been brainwashed by these outrageous pearl-wearing fanatics who think it's daring to coax old women into revolting. Or is it simply that I am revolting already? Not sure....
    Weev, the hedge is a flourishing growth of Thicketus Pudendum, it's not been trimmed for years.
    Heather, thankyou for the paper, and sorry to hear of your symptoms. 55 years? What would you have to do to get that long in the clink? It's a shocking sentence.
    Dearest Feck, I have observed your rules on womanhood and am getting on much better with my male counterparts. And the Strangeways riots? Happy days flashing at you all on the roof and being pelted with toilet rolls...rock on, boy!
    DP, Crisp will not tolerate more walls, as it gives the fanatical feminists more corners to hide around. But he thanks you with a rumbunctious shake of a walrusy moustache.
    Watercats - Again, thankyou for the ticking off, I must remember my place. Please contain your ghast, as it is unnecessary to let it out - I have learned my lesson. I will never entertain such a ridiculous notion as to visit the library. It's a good thing their shoes were confiscated.

  8. I'd love to offer help/comfort here, but unfortunately my "A level in Sheep Shearing" course is taking up all my time at the moment....

  9. Necky Becky says she would like to attend your Shrieking Classes, and how can she do this if you're not teaching them, so if the college authorities do not reinstate the classes they will be guilty of discriminating against interplanetary beings and holding up Progress.

  10. Dear Auntie,
    I understand you have been caught short whilst revolting, well rather fortuitously whilst searching for my lace trimmed hanky (which I was sent to Finnishing School to learn how to use correctly)I just happened to stumble across my Knitting Nancy in my smock pocket and would be happy to knock up a length for you?

    Would you prefer mohair or shetland?
    Send your usual smoke signal and I'll start Nancying fortthwith,

    Affectionately yours, Her Down the Lane x

  11. MM - stop gloating! In fact, ignore that, where are you teaching and at what college? Do they have an opening for a shrieking class, or I can do a class in wasp finding if the shrieking is too obscure. x
    Raph, I will hold a private course in my hedge, which is ideal for long-necked beings who like a good overview of their learnings. Tell her tuesday week, and bring sarnies and ear plugs.
    Ah! Sarah Jane, please Nancy away, I'm partial to a bit of Norfolk Horn at the mo! If you could knock me up a length I'd be well pleased!
    (I think I'd better pick a different breed, and phrase that last sentence better)