-It makes more sense than a couple of other things.

Mad Aunt Bernards Tortoise Poetry

"The page to come and visit for a fabulously sensible intake of poetry straight from the divinest of inspiration - and it's only a bit tortoisy. A cracking good read if you're under anaesthetic."
Lord Elpus - The Guardian

Thursday, September 3

Monday Poem - BT Call Centre

Well, I have been busy tidying my hedge - the wind plays havoc with it at the change of the seasons, and the contents of my sock draw has been strewn all the way from Trebollocks to North Bum. Feck has called for a Monday poem at 7pm, and this is precisely what I wrote but I'm late posting it as Folly decided that a game of twister was called for and invited 2,541 hells angels to join her in Bench's living room. Bench kicked off big stylee and found a crossbow in the loft. I won't elaborate.
I've writted about a dreadful thing that happened Monday morning. I found to my utter disgust that my BT yahoo account had been disabled without prior notice - all my pupils for the shrieking classes, the toad rubbing contacts and the tortoise flinging federation people were suddenly lost. I phoned BT and they happily provided me with the following inspiration.....
You must sing it to the tune of 'It Ain't Half Hot Mum'...it was a fluke, as I didn't realise until the last line was penned, just how apt it was.

Oh! Meet the twats 'cos the twats are here,
The twats to f*"k up your day.
No braincells, no manners, or courteous way - But!
They'll take all your money with a Hey, Hey, Hey!
There's crappy, shite music, when on hold for two weeks -
But you're through to complaints and six different geeks...SO!
Meet the twats 'cos the twats are here,
The twats to f*"k up your day.....
Twats to f*"k up your day!!!
(With sitar music and appropriate accent) Land of hope and glory.....SHUUUUTT UUUUPPP!!!


  1. Ah & aren't they just the same the world over!

    As a rapidly ageing bat myself, I appreciate your forthright tortoise tossing here.

    Aloha my Sistah-

    Comfort Spiral

  2. What a brilliant start to my day .... I'll be humming that tune for the rest of it .... thanks for the chuckle!

  3. wuhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa...... Luckily over here you don't get call centres, only "the auto-mated man".... then you end up fecking him out of it because he can't understand your accent "did you say accounts?" he says... ACCOUNTS!?...
    Love your doctored poem... marvellous stuff! :-D

  4. No respect for ladies of a certain age ..... I shall write a letter on your behalf ....... obviously.

  5. Amen to that Aunt Bernard - sadly too many of us can sympathise. Brilliant parody.

  6. Please may I have a right of reply

    First of all let me say please that it is very difficult to sit cross legged 5000 to a room and be expected to know where the telephone is when it is ringing.Sharing just the one phone means that it is constantly in use and warming up.

    It is not easy, despite having a fine pair of shoulders, to jam a cordless handset under your chin, whilst playing sitar musak for those on hold.

    We tried to use headsets but they either would not fit over our turbans or else they would fall to the ground when our heads were shaking side to side.

    Your broad west country accent is hard to understand amidst all the tapping on the tablas.

    However as a superwiser, I test all my staff for comprehension of your beautiful language, before I let them become pretty fine chappies in the customer service corner.

    Your language madam is known here in deepest and darkest Bombai and so I try to use colour in my testing you see

    Why only this morning I asked an applicant to use as many colours in a sentence as part of his test

    He replied:
    Green, Green
    Pink up the telephone
    Mujaba here, welcome to the Bombai Twats helpline

    The Yahoo incidentally is a mistake. My over keen assistant had tried to shove the phone where the sun doesn't shine at the kind suggestion of one of our fine customers and trying to mask the pain and not upset the elephants, over at word processing, he yelped yahoo instead of , how do you put it,F*"k! it aint half hot mum.

    Anyways up. As a token of good will, I will offer you 60% off the next amount of time that you have to wait in one of our queues.

    Yours Sirrah!

    Ken U Singh

  7. A brilliant parody MAB! You are all absolutely atrocious and should be hired immediately. Of course, you do realise that all of this is just a pigment of your imagination. You should contact your serwice prowider immediately and demand that they immediately prowide the serwice they are supposed to be prowiding as your serwice prowider - prowiding, of course, they are still able to prowide this serwice.

  8. Dear Mad Aunt Bernard, I heard a tremendous whooshing around the chimney last night and cackling laughter as a small black shape flew off into the distance against the light of a nearly full moon... now I realize what it was, all that commotion, it was you dropping in to leave a comment in my toadstool patch...

    Thanks for your visit, next time bring the tortoises and stay for a large mug of kombucha, distilled from a giant kombucha fungus, so big it could one day devour New York City, or at least several call centers while waiting to attain the required size.

    Call center twats should be banished to the nether regions between distant galaxies... unfortunately they are all around us... and they are multiplying. It would be good if you could work some magic to prevent call center twats from multiplying at dizzying geometric progressions...

    Anyway, thanks for dropping down the chimney, come by anytime !

  9. I do wish you hadn't done this. I've just been offered a job - YES - in a call centre. But first I have to learn a crappy foreign accent and get a degree in HF - to you lesser learned souls (not like wot I am) that is 'Huckin Fignorance'. Anyone got a college prospectus I can borrow?

    The word verification for this comment was goterak - sounds like some kind of bestial pervertion.

  10. Yep, T W A T S one and all, I suggest this post be included in the careers advice part of the National Curriculum. Oh, I just checked, it already is! Marvelous,
    S-J DTL