-It makes more sense than a couple of other things.

Mad Aunt Bernards Tortoise Poetry

"The page to come and visit for a fabulously sensible intake of poetry straight from the divinest of inspiration - and it's only a bit tortoisy. A cracking good read if you're under anaesthetic."
Lord Elpus - The Guardian

Wednesday, May 20

Letter from Aunt Bench About Folly's...well..Moods

I've had another letter from Bench this morning, dated two days (!) after Folly went home. The cheek of the woman exasperates me so I apologise for the clipped tone of this post but I really am as mad as a cut snake.

Why she comes to me I don't know, perhaps I am a soft touch? Are the luxuries of my draughty hedge-home too inviting? My hessian crackers and gin breakfasts too tempting? Whatever it is, I shall stop at once. My mother once said - Family are the most precious things, Bern, but remember they won't ALL fit under a patio.

This is the letter.....

Kindest Dearest Bestest B,

I need to ask a favour, dear. Folly is really trying my patience - I've had to call in some lumberjacks to tie her to a dining chair as she's had one of her heads on. To cut a long story short, she's poured custard into all my shoes and hidden small incendiary devices all over the house. Aunt Weevil and Doctor Prong have suggested I get away, so I will come to stay if the idea does not rankle with you?

Notwithstanding, it is quite doing my nut in, dear. I can't go to Aunt Vom as she's still in the nick, and Mary-Jaffa is unconscious. So I'm coming for a few -------- (typically, this part was illegible). As the carriage journey is so long, I've written this six days before I
leave so I should be with you in ten minutes.

Folly is being observed by our neighbour, Mrs Coddy, a dear soul. She can see our house from hers, since Folly stole the 7ft hedge last month. Well, see you shortly, pop a gin in a glass for me and I'll bring the hemlock shortbread.
Pip pip, and tatty bye

The woman is absolutely the limit. Folly should have been encouraged to move out now that she's finished playgroup. For a girl of thirty-two, she should be doing normal things - vandalism, fighting and shrieking. I will write to Aunt Vom in Worthing nick - she is the fiesty one and will know how to advise. She sorts out a lot of her problems with something called Chinese throwing stars and Colt.45's, and swears by them. Perhaps she can put one in the post.

It's a pity about the mix-up with the cozzers, she's so unlucky with mistaken identity - it's the eighth time now. Well, no doubt it well get sorted out, they'll find they've got the wrong person, and the MP's ear can be put back on. He shouldn't have put in that £3,487 claim for a platypus sanctuary that doesn't exist, anyway.


  1. Has she arrived? If not, bolt the door, pretend you are out. If she insists you are in, just whisper 'there's no one here but us mice'. Hope it works. Damn cheek!

  2. I sympathise entirely MAB, but as bad as relatives are though ,neighbours are even worse.One of ours, a certain Mrs Efficacious Gilhhooley , is in residence in the west wing library and she only came to borrow a cup of sugar- SEVENTEEN YEARS ago!! Much worse is the way she loves to creep up Ninja style on cook and she bending into the oven to bake bread,and boot her in the hole.Poor cook is a feckin nervous wreck because of it and Mrs Gilhooley at 103 yers old really should know better.

  3. "I should be with you in ten minutes." Ha ha ha. Are you sure she hasn't been hiding in the woodshed living off woodlice and pine needles for the duration? I don't think she was ever looking for your approval. By the time she goes back home (if ever), some interloper will have probably chewed up your response. I suggest smoke signals using Aunt Weevil's crochety, er crocheted afghan (the dog, NOT the blanket).

    Best of luck!


    (TWO can play THIS game!)

  4. Dearest Bern,

    Having read Bench's letter of the 20th inst. I am appalled - that creature really is the giddy limit.

    For her to purport that I suggested she should 'get away' is a total fabrication. In fact, and bugger my socks if I didn't, I told her to "F*** O**".

    At this, she cried that she would report my insolence to Vom. However, after her little trepanning display in the childrens' maximum security wing, methinks she is hardly likely to receive a warm welcome there again.

    Stand firm, girl!!

    Your loving sister,


    PS. Do you still have that little trick for removing blood and faeces from lace curtains? It local election time here again, but in spite of all my warning signs, they DO still come in!

  5. Might I recommend a product from lemmybee.com, a napalm dispenser hand crafted to fit the inside of your letterbox for the delight of anybody occupying your doorstep? Because you're worth it.

  6. Hen - it didn't work, she saw me hiding behind an open window. Bugger.
    Feck - remember a boot in the hole is worth two in the bush....or something like that.
    Ah, Poetikat. The pine needles have been reducing rapidly, perhaps that is the answer(the woodlice are safe as we have a ban on them until 2012).
    Weevil, beware of Vom, she's on the warpath claiming you've left a 'calling card' in the umbrella stand again.
    And thankyou Will - I will indeed invest in one - nice for when the children visit, and like you say, because I am worth it!