This is Aunt Tossa McGurk. She's on her way down for Yuletide. I've written a poem about her, so you'll know when you read it why Aunt Vom is in seventh heaven, and Aunt Mary Jaffa is in hiding in the Pennines.
Folly is totally oblivious to the dangers of this woman, so I've encouraged her to sit next to her at the dinner table.
She is firmly rooted in the Scottish branch of our family tree, and a direct descendant of Old Fintan McGribble, who lived alone on Benbecula studying cheese. Nobody liked him.
It's almost Yule, the tree is dressed,
Aunt Tossa McGurk's on her way.
Down from Ecclefechan she comes
On a ravening-hoard driven sleigh.
A champion at throwing cabers she is,
She's won every trophy in town.
She eats haggis with thorns for breakfast,
And her favourite sporran is brown.
She'll greet us all with the classic shout, of
'Alreet, there, by the wee!'
Her affections are shown with a headbutt -
Considered polite in Loch Pee.
Tossa McGurk is the bravest,
Scaring invaders away with her breath.
By shouting - a blast of rancid wind
Will put any army to death.
Defeating marauders she triumphs,
Booting them all off her land.
The stench from her braided armpits,
Was more than her enemy could stand.
Her band of Ecclefeckineejits are feared,
All wooden eyes and stone teeth.
They're reknowned for toughness and being well hard,
As they wear no socks or shoes on the heath.
Their hobbies are charging and battle,
They indulge in themselves in great fights,
Folly once spent months in hospital,
After poisoning from one of her bites.
So she's coming for Yuletide this year,
And she'll stay in the attic with Aunt Vom.
She's bringing a broadsword, a claymore, a mace,
And more than likely - a Bomb.
But I'll make her feel at home this year,
With polite chat about her hedgehog farm.
But if she offers me a cracker to pull, I'll decline,
Or I'll lose my right arm.
(Here's wishing all my blog friends a wonderful Yuletide, and I'll raise a glass to all as we celebrate with all our loved ones. Including the Folly's and the Aunt Bench's of this world!)