-It makes more sense than a couple of other things.

Mad Aunt Bernards Tortoise Poetry

"The page to come and visit for a fabulously sensible intake of poetry straight from the divinest of inspiration - and it's only a bit tortoisy. A cracking good read if you're under anaesthetic."
Lord Elpus - The Guardian

Wednesday, January 5

Captain Pilchard! Trebollocks Superhero!!

Exciting stuff! We have a proper Superhero in Trebollocks....no not that Spiderman numpty who snapped his rope (there's irony there), but a real live masked, swimming trunked hero who flies about.

His name is Captain Pilchard, he's the 'Hero of the Home Counties' and dishes out common sense and 'flat bugles' to anyone who dares not wind their neck in.

Aunt Bench wants his autograph, Aunt Vom has posters of him on her cell wall, and Aunt Mary-Jaffa is terrified of him. He is not sympathetic to a fear of citrus and throws clementines at her to sort her out. Here goes, this is my record of his visit.

Captain Pilchard and The Flat Bugle

Captain Pilchard flew in today,
To rescue the direst situation.
He fights against numpties, dickheads and planks
With ideas well above their stations.
The Home Counties answer to Spidey,
But much, much gobbier by far,
If you cross him he'll shave off your eyebrows,
And most likely wee up your car.
A fight over who holds the telly remote,
Has turned to a murderous battle.
Checking the anti-twonk radar, he flies
Over fields of worried looking cattle.
Then calmly down to earth he descends
Both fists planted square on his hips.
To the woman 'Give your head a shake, love'
Are the worldly wise words from his lips.
He faces the man with a fist held up
And say's ''D'you want a flat bugle?
You take me for some sort of pilchard, son,
And my patience is a tad bloody frugal.''
Captain P gives him an Aylesbury kiss
"Let her watch Up Close: Celebrity Rings"
"And you love, simmer down and stop snivelling,
I don't do hormones or 'Women's things'"
Argument done and one busted nose
The husband still grovelling and pleading.
"Right I'm off," he says "off down the pub -
You lot are doing my swede in."
He's no sort of Pilchard, our brave hero,
Saves houses from marital strife.
We clamour for autographs and photos,
While he runs for his flappy-caped life.
Off into the sky he flies once more,
To dish out blunt blokeish advice,
And give the odd dickhead a dry slap or two
And be home for a korma and rice.

Keep an eye out for Captain Pilchard near you, and if he stops, give him a decent cuppa. None of that weak crap where the tea bag just meets the water. He's also partial to garlic prawns if you fancy chucking some on. Go on, you know you want to....


  1. I'd better wind my neck in if I see him flying past, then!

  2. Love it! Nice to see you again and glad you're feeling a bit better.

  3. I was about to save him some peas pudding, but then I looked at those trunks and thought better of it. Our local cattle are quite laid back, but the sheep are keeping a very anxious eye on the sky. By the way, the saveloy and faggots are in the freezer, so I hope he gives us a bit of notice.

  4. That's quite a lot of man that you've exposed us to, or exposed to us. He sounds like a useful chap but only if you're both on the same side.

  5. Give your head a shake, love'
    Are the worldly wise words from his lips.
    Very funny! Yea I just realized (yday night) you can't write the better poems on laptop, only on paper! Hey I wrote a rhymer too, do chk!

  6. Hello Rhett,
    Just visited you, and loved your new poem :D

  7. There's a super hero we can all look forward to meeting! There's a brew on if he fancies flying this-a-way,

  8. Greetings Argent, I will point him in your direction and tell him the kettle's on!

  9. Only recently broken into Testudine Trebollocks
    My favourite poem so far is Bumped into my Father. Put me much in mind of my own Dad (RIP) . . Eheu!
    He collected two or three of everything except clocks of which he had an infinite number. He also had a very long name.

  10. You've made me quite wheezy with laughing! At last I feel NORMAL! Not sure whether to become an ardent follower. Would it be good for me health? Crack on Oh Wise One - good looking as well! LLX