New On The Family Tree - Great Aunt Cloaca

Dear All,

I do hope this winter weather is in keeping with your idea of a fresh outlook each day and a lack of toes.  Splendid.  I have some exciting news, Captain Pilchard has been tracing the family tree and he's come up with two new people.  Great Aunt Cloaca and Great Uncle Chigger.  It all came about as CP was crime fighting near the Public Records Office, and decided to take a tea break in there.  At first it didn't go well.  Walking up to the first woman he saw, he said 'Put the kettle on, bitch and get me an egg banjo.'  She wasn't pleased, but seemed to calm down after he slapped her a few times.  

Anyway, while rummaging through a few files he found the direct line of the Trebollocks family, which unfortunately ends with poor Folly - who is as mad as a shit house rat.  But nevertheless, the family mystery of Uncle Colobus' parentage is now solved.  

His mother gave him up for adoption on the discovery that he had three buttocks, and she and her husband sailed away to Ecclefechan on a slack tide.  Her name was Cloaca.  And the man she married was called Chigger.  Neither of them were pretty, although in a femininity contest I still think he had the slight edge on her somehow.

They met at a Tortoise Lovers Anonymous gathering in East Grundy.  It was all very clandestine, which was part of the appeal.  No-one knew where the meetings were held, as the tortoise obsession back then came with a heavy prison sentence.  But on the paperwork it said 2a Flange Street, Lumpton, East Grundy, apparently they still meet there.  

The romance was slow to get going, but once together they quickly married.  They had to, she became trapped in his beard and couldn't afford the medical bill to be removed.  He simply trimmed around her for a while until she fell out, by which time he'd become quite attached to her.  

A year later she was expecting, and not very happy.  The imminent arrival of a sprog meant she'd have to give up the one man band outfit that supported them both through hard times.  The bells weren't good for swollen ankles.  So Great Uncle Chigger was left to do the honourable thing.  He thought of the quickest way to earn a fast penny, and did it.  

At the very moment he was thinking this, a man went past him on his left with a case full of money, and on his  right, an old smelly lady with a large haddock.  He seized the haddock, thwacked the old lady (he didn't want her interfering with his plans), then turned on the man with the money and socked him one around the mush.  It seems it wasn't his day, the money in the case wasn't real, neither was the haddock.  He'd wandered onto an early Victorian set of The Bill.  A policeman arrested him and read him his rights, the old lady hit him with the haddock, and the man with the suitcase hid in it.  Nothing happened as Great Uncle Chigger realised that the policeman was an actor and not the real fuzz, so he gave him a flat bugle and buggered off sharpish. 

That was the last that was seen of him.  

As for Great Aunt Cloaca, the birth was traumatic as she was missing her hairy husband.  It wasn't helped by the fact that next door there was a military enthusiast who set off canons by the hour, one of which penetrated the wall to her bedroom.  At that moment, the baby shot out, hitting the mirror on the dressing table and skidding off.  It was this impact that caused the condition that led to his adoption.  The third buttock.  Great Aunt Cloaca couldn't have a child with a weird arse, so she left to look for Great Uncle Chigger.  According to eyewitnesses, she found him in Leeds, posing as a man on the run from the fake police.  They boarded the first steamer to Ecclefechan and lived a life of luxury, while poor Colobus was left to cope with this three buttocks, with only the help of the Home For Orphaned, Weird, Nut-Nut, Clubfoots and Deviants, naturally situated in Temple Cloud.

So there you have it.  Another family mystery solved.  His next mission is to try and discover why Aunt Mary Jaffa is terrified of satsumas?  What's lurking in her past??

Until next time, my little swim bladders...bye and that.