-It makes more sense than a couple of other things.

Mad Aunt Bernards Tortoise Poetry

"The page to come and visit for a fabulously sensible intake of poetry straight from the divinest of inspiration - and it's only a bit tortoisy. A cracking good read if you're under anaesthetic."
Lord Elpus - The Guardian

Monday, December 21

Ho! Ho! Ho! Poetry and Other Gubbins...

Christmas always brings those family members out of the woodwork and reminds you that no, you're not being unkind, they really are that bobbins.
Aunt Trolly and her gobby-devil-child, Flatulanta, descended upon poor Aunt Gourd this week for a surprise holiday visit. Aunt Gourd has been cursing herself since for having the lights on and the curtains open when they knocked the door.

They travelled here on the good old TFE Poetry Go Kart. They complained bitterly about the refreshment car only serving Guinness, several varieties of Whisky, pizza and 'dreadful things' in a bowl.

Since Flatulenta decorated her mother in typical festive attire for the season, Aunt Trolly was inspired to write the following poem about Christmas and her deepest feelings about it. I'd like to point out that this is actually about to be published by a real person in January's 'Art Journal for Special & Talentless'

How I love the King and I,
Your bald head glimmering like a star.
In Westworld, I think, you truly shone,
but Taras Bulba was better.

I thought I'd have a go, as my hedge network is working again, thanks to my new twigless router:

Christmas Spirit
What is this season of joy -
this season of wondrous sights and laughter?
My heart fills with glee, standing and watching,
in amazement.
Two women, clawing, biting, scratching, slapping and punching each other,
After they both put their hands on the last turkey in the shop.
Then the Tesco manager arrived, then so did the ambulance.
Jolly-Dee, the season's here,
and my heart bursts with gratitude once more, for the existence of thick people.

Well, I don't know what Christmas holds for me yet, I'm trying to stop Gourd from plugging Aunt Trolly into the mains with the flimsy excuse that she looks like a Christmas tree. Cousin Girda has been on the yoghurt-pot telephone for an hour wailing that she's got a glis glis in her undercroft, I'm still not sure if she really has or if it's a euphemism for some sort of womens trouble. As for Aunt Mary-Jaffa - spare a thought for her, during this season of satsumas.


  1. Auntie B., I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Aunt Trolley and Li'l Flatu sound like a couple of my own stellar fam members. Thanks for the memories! Looking forward to reading more in the new decade here and on Facebook, too!
    Happy Festivus! Merry Christmas! etc....

  2. As the saying goes: "You can choose your friends but NOT you relatives".........

    Cousin Girda could stick a stick up the glis glis' bottom and cover it with chocolate........... (a la Heston Blementhal the other night!). A veritable seasonal culinary delight, it would appear....

    Have a wonderful Christmas and hope to read about your relatives again in the New Year

  3. A Yuletide of joyousness to a favourite Aunt ..... and to you of course.........

  4. hairy HO HO Ho as Auntie gets aboard at last.As for the trip I tried warning Aunt Trolley and Flatulanta that they were drinking from Santa's piss bowl (he has to go on the move), but they wouldn't listen.The poems themselves are little Christmas crackers.A veritable feast of poetics.A better homage to Baldy Bryner would be impossible to find and in the scond poem the concluding line of....'and my heart bursts with gratitude once more, for the existence of thick people.' has to be the best single line of poetry written in any language in the history of mankind.

    Well done Auntie and Merry Christmas to you, you smelly beardy daft auld bat.

  5. Love it. LOVE it!! I have a thing for good old Yul, so this piece is right up my little alley.

  6. I've missed you dear MAB and it's good to have you back, even if you did make me laugh so much it made me start coughing again!

  7. A very merry christmas to you and yours...aunt MJ is in my thoughts at this difficult time!

  8. It took me a long time to figure out RIFLMAO (a ltitle thick myself), but I really am! Great fun, this!

  9. After reading this, perhaps I really should be worried about going Christmas shopping with you tomorrow. I could always say I've got to wash my hair, but you know I haven't got any. I could say I've got to wash the Cat's hair, but I haven't got one. Think, think .....

    Now, I'm really freaking out!! The WV was 'faver' - just what ARE we having for lunch, or should I say WHO?

  10. Ah the fava beans, not for me, lad, they give me the wind somethin' terrible.

  11. My best wishes to you and your singular family for a very Happy (if noisy, smelly, grotesque and unusual) Christmas.

    I love the "Yule" poem. Sheer brilliance.


  12. Yule - excellent! I am SLOW on the uptake and had to think about it longer than I should before the penny dropped!

  13. I loved the Yule poem too! TFE nicked my thunder as I like the "and my heart bursts with gratitude once more, for the existence of thick people" line as well.

    Merry Christmas!

  14. We have fisticuffs in the supermarket during the silly season as well.It's a bit primitive down under..no ambulance...the security guards tie them up in tinsel and toss them into the harbour!
    I liked your poem..Merry Xmas!

  15. I'm sorry not to have commented earlier, Auntie. Having read your Yule poem, I had to retire to my powder room to recover my composure, which had slipped under your influence. All is well now, and I have read both your offerings. Lovely poetry. Thank you, and Glad Yule!

  16. I love "Yule". Saw him live in "The King and I" with Virginia McKenna and I got his autograph!

    Off to Marks this morning. Have weapons ready for the fight over the last turkey.

    Loved them both, thanks for the good cheer, and Merry, Merry Christmas!

  17. Oh, Auntie, you really must come and share some of our seasonal sprout soup with us over the holiday! I'm sure you'd be able to escape from your relatives for a while - we can arrange to meet you with the bus at the secret portal.

  18. I feel really sorry for all those people out there who are having to struggle by without your mental shavings because your fame hasn't caught up with them yet. May the bits of you that ought to be dry never go damp in the year ahead, and vice versa.

  19. You really do me in. Where do you get those pictures? she said in a high-pitched voice.

  20. another act of pure genius! Please could you ask if the christmas tree outfit could be sent my direction when finished with? You just can't get costumes like that these days.
    I hope your christmas was full of tortoise based treats and your new year will be full of unusual food based rituals and itchy sock things.
    have a cheers on us!

  21. Here's wishing you a new year wherein the violence and diseases will only be the entertaining sort.

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