Vote -Slightly Unhinged Tortoise Party!

I've been outside my hedge today
And seen some dreadful sights.
There's people with rosettes and things
All keyed up for a fight.

But the left one is all funny,
His nose is like untreated leather.
My granny wouldn't have voted him in -
Cos his eyes are too close together.

The right, well, he's a right one,
If one knows what one means.
He's all chinless grin and stick-out teeth,
And a little bit too full of beans.

The middle one, well, he's a puzzle.
Even his mother must ask,
A beardy weirdy anorak boy,
A trainspotter whose lost his flask.

Then you've got all the radicals,
The shoe banging, shouting old nutters.
That is until you ask a sensible thing,
And they pack up and pull down the shutters.

Or what about the odd ones out?
The ones with no pamphlets or blurb?
Only armed with "protection of nuthatches",
And the right to use certain old 'herbs'.

Well, I've had a right old basinfull.
I'm shutting the door on it all.
So when I'm down at the polling station
I'm setting them up for a fall.

I'm sending in Aunt Gourd to help with the forms,
To make sure the votes are all checked.
That way no slimy git will ever get in
As the hall in two hours will be wrecked.

Now I don't condone arson,
But sometimes you have to stand tall.
And when Tarquin McChav is the favourite,
It's time to burn down the town hall.

I do not feel guilty for being so bad -
In fact I'm laughing with glee.
The only candidate safe from the blaze
Is little old, warty old me!

(Anyone voting on May 6th - my policies are as follows:
*Free dog biscuits for everyone, even dogs.
*Beards to be encouraged in young women, whether engaged or married.
*Annual events in the town square to include tarring and feathering, toad flinging, quail stretching and stoat rubbing.
*Hats should not be decorative and must hide something dangerous. This can be checked by the police, however and may result in arrest. Penalty is 2 yrs for a trilby, 10 yrs for a beret, but only if there is a poison arrow frog under it.
*All men with moustaches need a proper license, which will cost £149.50, and a further £35.00 each time it is trimmed. Even at home. When no-one is looking.
*The public library will be open to women, who will not be arrested when looking at books in the 'clever' sections of history, business, and law. The renting of a book on law, by a woman, will no longer result in imprisonment.
*Note: The national anthem of Trebollocks is to be changed as the sharp 'c' in the second verse is considered politically incorrect. We are now adopting 'Lip Up Fatty', a hymn written by 'Bad Manners' as our new anthem. The dancing that goes with the song should be a moment of joy when the Pope visits.....)

Mark all votes with an 'X' and kick the rest in the knackers on your way out....aThankyou!!!
All donations gratefully accepted into the Mad Aunt Bernard 'Cinnamon Biscuit & Pringles Fund'.