-It makes more sense than a couple of other things.

Mad Aunt Bernards Tortoise Poetry

"The page to come and visit for a fabulously sensible intake of poetry straight from the divinest of inspiration - and it's only a bit tortoisy. A cracking good read if you're under anaesthetic."
Lord Elpus - The Guardian

Thursday, April 22

Vote -Slightly Unhinged Tortoise Party!

I've been outside my hedge today
And seen some dreadful sights.
There's people with rosettes and things
All keyed up for a fight.

But the left one is all funny,
His nose is like untreated leather.
My granny wouldn't have voted him in -
Cos his eyes are too close together.

The right, well, he's a right one,
If one knows what one means.
He's all chinless grin and stick-out teeth,
And a little bit too full of beans.

The middle one, well, he's a puzzle.
Even his mother must ask,
A beardy weirdy anorak boy,
A trainspotter whose lost his flask.

Then you've got all the radicals,
The shoe banging, shouting old nutters.
That is until you ask a sensible thing,
And they pack up and pull down the shutters.

Or what about the odd ones out?
The ones with no pamphlets or blurb?
Only armed with "protection of nuthatches",
And the right to use certain old 'herbs'.

Well, I've had a right old basinfull.
I'm shutting the door on it all.
So when I'm down at the polling station
I'm setting them up for a fall.

I'm sending in Aunt Gourd to help with the forms,
To make sure the votes are all checked.
That way no slimy git will ever get in
As the hall in two hours will be wrecked.

Now I don't condone arson,
But sometimes you have to stand tall.
And when Tarquin McChav is the favourite,
It's time to burn down the town hall.

I do not feel guilty for being so bad -
In fact I'm laughing with glee.
The only candidate safe from the blaze
Is little old, warty old me!

(Anyone voting on May 6th - my policies are as follows:
*Free dog biscuits for everyone, even dogs.
*Beards to be encouraged in young women, whether engaged or married.
*Annual events in the town square to include tarring and feathering, toad flinging, quail stretching and stoat rubbing.
*Hats should not be decorative and must hide something dangerous. This can be checked by the police, however and may result in arrest. Penalty is 2 yrs for a trilby, 10 yrs for a beret, but only if there is a poison arrow frog under it.
*All men with moustaches need a proper license, which will cost £149.50, and a further £35.00 each time it is trimmed. Even at home. When no-one is looking.
*The public library will be open to women, who will not be arrested when looking at books in the 'clever' sections of history, business, and law. The renting of a book on law, by a woman, will no longer result in imprisonment.
*Note: The national anthem of Trebollocks is to be changed as the sharp 'c' in the second verse is considered politically incorrect. We are now adopting 'Lip Up Fatty', a hymn written by 'Bad Manners' as our new anthem. The dancing that goes with the song should be a moment of joy when the Pope visits.....)

Mark all votes with an 'X' and kick the rest in the knackers on your way out....aThankyou!!!
All donations gratefully accepted into the Mad Aunt Bernard 'Cinnamon Biscuit & Pringles Fund'.


  1. Dear Mad Aunt Bernard: Please come to the United States for our next election.

  2. I will start to increase hat height immediately in order to accommodate the larger of the dangerous instruments. My vote is with you!

  3. You are so brave and liberated Aunt Bernard - I always feel nervous in the library and usually only borrow books on flower arranging or fairy cakes. I agree with much of what you say but draw the line at quail stretching - they are so pretty and such dear little birds. You are wise to keep an eye on that Tarquin McChav - if I had my way I'd set Emily Pankhurst and all her suffragettes onto him.

  4. I suggest obligatory warbling on all street corners and slugs larger than two and a quarter inches must have licenses. People with noses that end in an obvious point must at all times have a health and safety bell ringer walk ahead of them to protect the general publics eyes from pokage (at least those that might be at eye level with point nosed folk)..
    Tarquin Mcchav... hhhmmmmm.... he sounds fishey to me :-)

  5. Wonderful, kind thanks for your support. I am also thinking of making it compulsory for every citizen to be able to display an ID card and a regulation P.E. kit at all times.
    The taller hat idea is fabulous, I'll include this up to a maximum of 6 feet. And the bell ringer to warn of hazardous noses will also not be sniffed at.
    As old Churchy said, there will also be fighting allowed on beaches. But this is Aunt Vom's department.

  6. Wonderful political astuteness. Lip up fatty lip up fatty reggae reggae reggae!

  7. Rather disappointed not to have any election promises out of you on the subject of bat fingering. It's the new origami in this part of the country, and we all know what THAT leads to!

  8. but please, please, don't let the regulation PE kit be made of Lycra?